Behind it all, is a hurting heart.

I may not be the best leader, neither do i proclaim that title. You know, I'm tired of leading, cross my heart I'm saying the truth. But hey, this is a habit and guess what, habits are hard to kill. I don't want to lead but I just do. It is just in me, like it runs through my blood. After all, this is what I've been doing all my years in my memory. How do I stop? Where do I go? When do I stop? What do I do next? So many questions, with only one same answer, I've no idea. Been lost in my life, submerge myself in believing others' goals. So what's mine? I don't know and I can't find.

Probably partially it is really my fault, but, what do you all really expect out of me. Who am I, What am I to you, How do you want me to act ? What's the damn expectations? Don't just feel disappointed without telling me what is your expectations of me, cause I don't know and I can't feel expectations out. All I see was a bunch of people carefree, happy and playful. Do you all even feel the stress, the load of work that we're now putting on our shoulders? Do you? Do you feel desperate when all you see is little rays of hopes each getting covered away? It was out of the first few tasks, I'm feeling all so hopeless and desperate. I really doubt if I can carry on. If only this is work, I could send in a resignation letter. But this is not work.

It's hard, very hard for me to pretend that it don't hurt anymore neither any easier to show that it hurts me a great deal. I'm writing this here, not in hope for you to feel guilt neither for you to pity me. I just need you to talk to me. Show hands, turn the table over, talk like everything under the sun also can say.