Past & Present.

In the past, I did all sorts of things.

No matter what was it, I was never afraid. I knew, there are always people who will back me up, who will be there for me, whenever i look back, i be able to fall in the arms of those who cared. That was the past and past can never catch up with present. It changed a lot & I really am not happy about it. I can't be as stubborn, as demanding, as ridiculous, as crazy as I was. All in all, I think people got tired of me & my ways and decided to not stay behind me, supporting me, encouraging me, push me back up. There won't be anymore of people who would scold, nag, scream at me just for the sake of me. Yea, I'm all alone. 

I wonder if my decisions didn't change to NYP, would I be happier? Would my absence be felt if I was there? Maybe it was actually me who had changed and instead of trying to find faults, i push the faults away. But I'm just so tired of trying to fit in, trying to hard to please everyone (tho i know i failed at this), trying to be like how i was like before. I want to be me, but for me to be me, there is so much to give up. Too much. 

Yea, I know I was so curious to why people wants to graduate faster. Now I know the answer. Cause even I now, wish that I could be out of here as quick as possible. People in poly are so different from secondary but what was it that caused people to change so drastically? or perhaps they are already like this when they are in secondary. Seriously, everyday living in fear of when there will be a knife popping out from the back is so tiring. Secondary school was never like that, when we say we don't do, we didn't, and obviously, we're not those closet muggers who say oh i didn't but in the end did. We are so straight forward, so honest so open. Just where have all these virtues gone off to? 

And of course, what I miss the most is the friends who understands me without even having to speak, friends who I can falls to, and they know they can fall back on me, friends that call each other out, friends who finds my absences weird, friends who I love and I know I'm a part of them too. The mutual feeling. Where am I to find these now?